I wish I was the moon tonight

What do I wear to school on my last two days of high school…ever? What do I wear to school on my last two days of high school EVER?!?!?!?

I know most people couldn’t give two shits but this was how I made a name for myself. I didn’t play sports, or was in clubs, I wasn’t really smart or popular. Instead I dressed cute. Now I only have two more days…two more outfits left then I’m done. I started to cry today because I wasn’t able to go out and get shoes I wanted and I knew I wouldn’t have time to get them tomorrow so now I’ll never be able to wear those shoes to high school…ever! I say it hasn’t hit me that I’m graduating but maybe it has and I’m just not fully aware of it yet.

My boyfriend: were you mad because that other girl texted me?

Me: I was at first but I realized it was dumb I’m sorry honey.

What was going through my mind: Fuck yeah I was mad! Fuck her! Fuck this! Fuck everybody! Fuck men! I’ll just have cats!! Fuck my life! Fuck this cannot be happening! Fucck!!!!!!

I hate not being able to see you. I understand that you have to work which makes me feel guilty for being mad. I know if you didn’t work then you couldn’t take me out on dates, buy me nice things, or even come to see me so I guess I just have to deal. But it sucks I barely saw you last week now I can’t see you again until wednesday, which I’m technically busy but I’ll do whatever it takes so I can see you. I just hope all this time apart doesn’t affect our relationship.

Six years ago today I lost my bestfriend; my grandma. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her or long to hear her voice or hug her. I wonder what she’d think about the woman I’ve become. I wonder what she’d say about my boyfriend. I wonder what college she’d think I should go to. I wonder what she’d think about me wanting to be a nurse now instead of an actress. I wish she could’ve seen me go to prom or homecoming. I wish she could be there when I graduate next month. I miss her more than words can say. I’ll always love you grandma and I hope that I’ve made you proud <3

So I know I said I was going to go to U of M Dearborn but the more I think about it the more I don’t really want to go there. I don’t really want to have to switch schools and they don’t have anything I need there. I’m finishing my application to Eastern but my parents don’t really want me to go there so who know’s where I’ll end up. Ideally I’d love to get into U of M’s nursing school but I’ve heard that that is very hard and there’s a waiting list that could take years, which is an other reason I’m favoring Eastern.

I’m not really even excited for college. I wish I could fast forward until I’m a nurse and living with my boyfriend in a cute house or apartment or even a condo and we can just live a cute happy life. That sounds more fun to me than college life.

So my senior prom was friday and it was amazing!! Although at first I was so nervous but the second I saw my boyfriend all of my nervousness just disappeared. I truthfully felt like a princess espcially when we danced to the slow songs. Then afterword we went to a bonfire at my friends house. I drank a little more than I planned on fortunately I didn’t feel as sick as I thought I would’ve. All together it was a night I’ll never forget.

So my senior prom is tomorrow. Its crazy I cannot believe that its finally here! I’m so scared and nervous but mostly all I want to do is dress up like a princess and slow dance romantically with my boyfriend <3

We’ve been together for six months now and its been completely amazing! He got me roses, which are my favorite flowers, and the victoria’s secret yoga pants that I said I wanted. I found this idea on pinterest where you get a balloon for each month/year you’ve been in a relationship then you tie something cute that relates to your relationship to each balloon. I tied our first facebook message, a picture of us before we started dating, a movie ticket from the second movie we saw (I couldn’t find the ticket for the first), a lover letter (which was really hard to write), a picture of us now, and a coupon for one free “you’re right” which he can use whenever he pleases. We spent the evening eating olive garden breadsticks and jelly beans and watching the other guys because I didn’t feel so well. It was the best anniversary ever <3

I am going crazy. I can’t make a decision to save my life. I have to choose what college to go and its such a confusing choice. On one side if I went to Eastern I could be with some of my friends and they have a drama department. Then if I went to U of M Dearborn I could get student tickets, I wouldn’t have to pay (my parents would take care of that), and I could transfer to Ann Arbor (which is hopefully where my boyfriend is going). The cons of Eastern would be high crime rate, kinda far drive, if I lived there I’d have to pay for room and board because my parents won’t. The cons of Dearborn would be they don’t have nursing or drama so I ultimately I’d have to transfer, and that’s about it.

I think I have just made my very first big decision. I’m going to make tons of new friends in college, I’ll only be at Dearborn for a year to get my pre-req’s which would be the same anywhere. Then Ann Arbor has drama and nursing. Plus they’re s really good school in a nice area and I’d be able to go to all the games and be with my boyfriend.

Everything is driving me absolutely crazy! I can’t handle all of this: graduation, my boyfriend, my crazy aunt. I am losing it. I have 63 days left of high school and I have no idea where I’m going to college. I can’t deal with the pressures of a relationship along with everything else that is going on with my life. My aunt the one person who I used to be so close to has completely snapped and threatened my life is now out from the hospital and I am terrified. My mother keeps telling me that I am stronger than this but maybe I’m not. All I want to do is run away to up north, where I can sit on the porch and drink coffee and read or walk along the the beach or go into town. I don’t want to be here where all of these problems are awaiting an answer. I can’t even escape in my sleep, it takes me forever to fall asleep no matter how much medicine I take and once I do fall asleep I toss and turn and wake up often. So all I want is to run away up north to the only place in this state where I am truthfully happy and where all these pressures are at bay because I am miles away from them. I can’t handle this not all at once.